I love Summer

Summer is my favorite season by far. The warm weather, the pool, playing outside, ice cream, Jazz in June, the freedom from school....  Even though I like school and more importantly the amazing people at school, I guess I like not having to constantly think ahead to the next deadline.

Graduating from college hasn't fully hit me yet. I think it will in the fall when everyone either moves or goes back to school.  I'm slightly afraid of what that will feel like, but hopefully it won't be too hard.

Summer, unfortunately, generates a bit of laziness in me and I forget that I do need to be thinking about the future and what I want to do with my life.... well not necessarily my WHOLE life but at least what to do in these next couple of years.

I'm not going to lie, I thought I would be married by now or at least headed in that direction.  Perhaps because both my mom and sister got married around my age, or perhaps the Midwest in general tends to get married young, or perhaps it's the large amount of friends getting married around me.  Although I've been overwhelmingly excited for all of my friends' engagements and weddings, I'm jealous.  And it's especially hard in the summer when I don't have 1 million other things occupying my mind.  I know I can't live life like that.  Just waiting. What do I gain from that?  I need to live my life for God! Serving Him with the talents He has given me.  He's the only one that can truly satisfy me.  I fall into the trap of thinking that getting married will solve everything and make my life better, but if I get married he will just be another human that falls short, just like me.  Marriage isn't selfish, it's not about fulfilling my needs.

I also have to remember and be beyond thankful for my amazing friends and family that God has blessed me with, I'm no where near alone.  "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." (Psalm 105:4) Then , and ONLY then, will I be completely satisfied.


Also here's an article my friend posted about marriage.
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person

Pet Peeve

Here's the deal. I 'm starting to get reeeaally annoyed by people using their phones and computers while in the presence of other human beings. It is my #1 pet peeve when I am hanging out with someone or even a group of people and all of a sudden everyone is on their phone- texting, playing games, checking their facebook, looking on the internet and who knows what else. I find it offensive, because I start to think, wow, am I that boring that you can't put away your phone for 15 minutes and have a conversation with me? Why is it so hard for people to enjoy the people they are around- don't they know they're missing out on life? I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm guilty of this as well, but I like to think I'm slightly less guilty, especially since I don't own an iphone or any kind of smart phone. Bah! I just wanted to get that off my chest. Challenge for everyone (including myself) PUT AWAY YOUR TECHNOLOGY AND TAKE PART IN LIFE AROUND YOU! :)

Procrastination

This should be another goal. I am a horrible procrastinator. Some how I manage to get things done on time, but I always wait till the last possible moment to do them. Take for instance at this very moment I have been sitting at work for almost 5 hours and I have not touched any of my homework. Nor did I touch my homework in the past 4 days.. Why is this a thing?

Well I don't regret not thinking about school while in Wisconsin with the University Singers to sing at ACDA. It was soo absolutely wonderful to get away for 3 days and hang out with my beautiful friends and sing gorgeous music in amazing places. (Like all those adjectives?) So many awesome memories were made.

In other news, I got accepted to CU for Grad school so that's pretty cool. We will see if they can afford me :)

The art of losing myself

Ok I will try not to tell you how bad I am at blogging every time I update...but really, I'm bad at updating. Either I feel I don't have anything worth writing, or what I want to write would take time. Oh, first world problems...

I never explained the name of this blog- Inside Out. It comes from one of my favorite Christian songs called From the Inside Out by Hillsong United. During my first summer working at Timberlake Ranch Camp in '09 this song kind of became my prayer everyday, that God would consume me from the inside out. Here are the lyrics:

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

I really love that second verse. That has definitely been my struggle over the last few years. Trusting God's will, not being lazy with my purpose and the talents God has given me, and being completely humble- knowing that none of my gifts are of myself and that everything I do is only because of Him. God has humbled me sooooo many times over the past 4 years, particularly in music. So many times I've had to realize that God has blessed a lot of people with the gift of music (crazy, I know), but the beautiful thing about that is that he will use every single person in a completely different way. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how he'll use me, but I know He has been using me at UNL and will continue to use me. A great verse for humbleness is 1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." And I don't use this as "Oh, I'm going to be humble so that God will lift me up and be better than everyone later" Because there is no way that can be real humility. But when I realize that everything I do is for the glory of God and not constantly comparing myself to other people, it is so much more fulfilling. Because I will always, ALWAYS fall short if I am constantly competing with others. Also the last verse is so true. It is wonderful knowing that I can trust God with my anxiety about my future (career, husband, friends). Of course, it is not always easy letting go of the anxiety, because I feel like I have to be in control. But, holy cow, the peace that comes over me when I really do trust God's will is incredible. And He is so FAITHFUL! Which makes it easier to trust, because I can name countless prayers that he has answered, no matter how big or small. God is good!

Goals

Okay I'm just writing a brief entry because I feel bad for not writing anything for 2 weeks. :/ Here are some of my goals for the year 2012:

1. Biggest goal I decided is to be more generous. I want to remember people on their birthdays and send cards and such- let people know that I'm thinking of them and how much they mean to me. Also giving more back to God. It is hard since I don't have a steady income to know how much to give in church. Last week Brian gave a wonderful message on giving- that giving is supposed to be a sacrifice, and that God blesses us in order that we may bless others. Not the other way around (giving to others, in order to be blessed by God). I need a lot of prayer in this department, to not be greedy.

2. Decide what to do with my life....well this probably won't fully happen this year. Actually I know it won't because my life is constantly changing. But I do know I won't be at UNL next and maybe not even in Lincoln, which will be a HUGE change, considering I have lived here my whole life. I'm also praying that I take this change as an adventure and as a good thing, not as a terrifying thing that will suck. Because it will suck to leave all the amazing friends I have made in college and even my friends from high school. Especially the friends I have had for 8 years. But it is something that just happens as life moves on. And I will make new friends, while I continue to stay in close contact with the old.

3. Growing deeper in love with God- of course this is a constant goal for my life, but I want to be more involved in church and bible studies and not only grow in my personal faith but grow with others, which is something I think I have been lacking for a while. Also READ MY BIBLE DAILY!! Why is this so hard?

4. Get married. just kidding. but seriously. Everyone, li-ter-a-ly everyone else is doing it!

5. Discover different ways to use the gift of music God has given me. Especially within the church, but also in general. As this has been kind of a struggle with the opera I'm in currently. It is a bit hmmm how do I say this? sexual. And although I love to sing opera music, I don't love being apart of something so graphic. It is very conflicting in my mind - Am I deliberately sinning by singing such material and causing the audience's minds to wander to inappropriate things? Don't get me wrong, I feel incredibly blessed to have this opportunity to perform a lead role in a University opera. But, God, why this opera? My director even said himself, "if there is one opera I'm glad I didn't have to act in, it's this one" Referring to the copious amounts of sexual content.

6. Go to Australia and visit my sister, brother-in-law, and two amazing nieces. This doesn't really need an explanation.

7. Get paid to do MUSIC!

8. Complain less. This has come to my attention very recently that I complain quite often about really dumb things. And often about things that really aren't that horrible. For instance- this last week I was constantly busy, I mean really, was doing something at every possible moment of the day whether it be rehearsal, class, homework, work, auditions, practicing, trying to fits in meals :/ and I complained about it....but it really wasn't that bad. I got everything done, and actually got to spend a lot of time with fun people amidst the chaos. God also gave me tons of energy- I was never super exhausted - even from waking up at 5:30AM for work at 6 and going to sleep at midnight. Also, I find myself being a hypocrite. "Why doesn't anyone do the dishes?" "Why isn't anyone home?" "Why didn't this thing get taken care of?" When I'm not doing the dishes either, I was barely home at all except to sleep, and I didn't take care of things, even when I said I would. SO I'm going to pray that God helps me be more aware of when I'm about to complain.

9. Along with a lot of these- just become a more selfless person in general. It's not about me, it's about serving God by serving others. What do I gain by serving myself? Nothing.

So much for brief....

Highlights of 2011

I knew this blogging once a day thing wouldn't last long, but I think it's partially due to the lack of feedback from readers. I've only had 4 posts so I shouldn'texpect much, but I guess I'm one that likes reactions. I should go into this with less expectations and just send my thoughts into the void. (a little quote from You've Got Mail). Anywho I thought it would be fun to go through 2011 and pick out the highlights :)

Performing my first lead in an opera, I was the understudy for Juliet in Gounod's Romeo et Juliette. (Sorry for this unattractive picture- it's the only one I have of "Romeo" and I.)

Meeting Bernadette Peters

Girls night out with Kendall, Sara and Emily

Getting 2 jobs in one week at Cherry on Top and the Cornhusker Marriott as a Barista :)

Spending the entire summer with my sister, brother-in-law and 2 beautiful nieces

Moving in with the 5 best roommates a girl could ask for

BTD Formal

3rd annual weekend at Alli's lake with my favorite college buddies

Having my oldest sister around to talk to, help me, laugh with, grow with spiritually.

Visiting Mary Ann twice! Once in Indiana and again in Maryland!

Spending a week with my closest-in-age cousin Marshall and his fiance Pam

Although Boston was one of the hardest parts of 2011, being with Alli, Kendall, Hannah and Tim and meeting other talented and amazing friends made it fun and adventurous

Having all classes with Hannah Kurth- because we're the Best :)

Watching my two best friends Kaylee and Marc get married.

Of course there were many more wonderful moments in 2011- And will be more to come in 2012!!